Now there’s a question.
And there are two answers. Well, attempts at answers anyway.
What am I doing here, right here on this page? Trying to maintain some sort of connection with the world, I think. I’m currently at home with my three children and as much as I AM grateful that I have the opportunity and the privilege to stay at home with them for an extended amount of time when so many other parents don’t have any option (so don’t even start with me on that one) it can also be mind-numbing at times and very isolating too. So this blog is a bit of a creative challenge and also a means of reaching out and feeling like I’m part of the wider world.
What am I doing here, in the world, right now? (In other words, who the hell am I and how did I become this person?)
In truth, some days I don’t even recognise myself.
I always wanted to be a mother. I had a vision of myself and the kind of mother I would be. I would make jam and create scrapbooks chronicling the lives of my children during any spare moments I found when I wasn’t marvelling over my them or partaking in an array of fun but educational activities with them. I would love every minute of it. I would hate the idea of going back to work. I would be completely fulfilled in my role as a mother and wouldn’t need anything else.
What the hell was I thinking?
Don’t get me wrong, there has been plenty of marvelling and activities, and even the odd bit of scrapbooking (Playcentre profile books count, right?) but the closest I’ve got to making jam is spreading it on toast. And as for being completely fulfilled, I’m just not. Some days I dream of going back to work. Not just part time either. Full time. With a nanny to sort the kids out.
Cue the disproportionate amount of guilt. It’s always been a go-to emotion for me, a Catholic upbringing will do that for you, I reckon.
Anyway, long story short, in the midst of trying to live up to my vision of motherhood and feeling dreadful because I couldn’t seem to do it, I lost myself. I know that sounds overly dramatic and a bit pop-pschologyesque (I also know that’s technically not a word, by the way) but so be it. I was going through each day looking forward to bed time and finding very little joy in anything at all, even the things that normally I would, including my children. And, worse, I was wishing my life away, always thinking about the future instead of enjoying what was right in front of me in the here and now.
So, for the last few months I’ve been trying to reclaim myself a bit. I’ve added my own needs to my list of priorities and have been doing a few things that are just for me. I’ve found that talking about it and writing about it have been helpful and this blog is an extension of those things. A bit of therapy and a bit of fun. I hope that if you’re here and reading, you’ll get a bit of both out of it too.